Failure is key to success: psychologist

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VANCOUVER (NEWS1130) – If you are a parent, it can be hard to watch your child fail at something, but it might be exactly what they need to succeed.

“It is a really important learning experience; they learn persistence, to stick to a task. They also learn the value of delayed gratification,” says Dr. Derek Swain, a registered psychologist in Vancouver.

“This is a very important skill for kids to acquire; it’s very much associated with superior achievement later on in life. The whole notion here is that kids have the opportunity to recognize they can achieve success down the road as opposed to instantaneously,” he explains.

“Unfortunately, with the pace of modern life and all the electronics that kids have access to, they’re given immediate reward and that doesn’t develop a longer term skill,” he points out.

So, what can we do as parents to help our kids develop those skills?

“It’s important to help kids establish goals for themselves that are a bit out of their reach so that they have to stretch themselves. In that process, there is the risk that kids are going to fail, but from that, they learn they have to either try a little harder or do something different in order to achieve their goals… What’s important here is that success is built from failure,” says Swain.

He agrees with the popular notion that we protect our children too much.

“The self-esteem movement of recent years that focuses on trying to make kids feel good about themselves has a worthwhile goal, but kids really develop their self-esteem through accomplishment. We need to help them achieve goals that are significant and have meaning to them,” he adds.

Swain also tells us letting kids succeed at everything may help develop a fear of failure, which can hinder them far into adulthood, and set patterns as they have children themselves.

“That’s one of the things that prompts people to promote success all the time for their children. When we fear failure, it tends to lead to a lack of risk because people aren’t trying to stretch themselves. It also leads to anxiety because people are overly focused on failure as opposed to achievement.”

“When kids fail, it’s important to acknowledge that they’re sad and they’re disappointed but then focus on what they need to do to in order to achieve the goals they have in mind. These are important skills throughout life because people are going to fail at numerous things they try over time. They need to develop some resilience so when we do face life’s adversities, we don’t just simply abandon the effort; we struggle on and find other ways of succeeding.”

Just look at noted “failure” Michael Jordan, one of many high profile figures Swain can quote.

“He said, ‘I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career, I’ve lost almost 300 games, 26 times I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.'”

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